It’s the May Day Bank Holiday Monday and The Village has just about returned to normal after some of the most boisterous May Day celebrations seen in the area, spilled over into May-hem on Wednesday morning.
What started out as the Village’s traditional May Day celebration spiralled out of control, when the ‘spirit of Spring time’ got the better of several revellers.
There were few portents of the scenes that were to follow when the Sun rose over the Village Church spire and the ‘Gentlemen of the Forest’ sung the Song of the Spring Spirits. Next the crowd of daubed villagers who attended the celebrations took part in the baying of the swan.
However once the Badgerman had sprayed, things got out of hand in the Village Pub car park and surrounding areas and the Town Police were summoned to the scene later in the morning.
For the record, the Badgerman sprayed “up village” which means, as legend has it, that the Summer will be dry and the general tone of the village in the coming months will be “Louche”.
Detective Sergeant Tony Sproke made the following statement to WLOV: “I can confirm that The Town Police were called to The Village Pub at approximately 9am on the morning of 1st May 2013. We had received reports of an ‘affray’ and when we arrived this was the case. There was an affray there, plain as day. We knew it was an affray because we saw a hedge singing obscene hip hop songs at the top of its voice, a badger in a state of undress and a swan in some distress. We arrested three people at the scene. And they faced the town magistrates on a specially convened session of The Town Magistrates Court on Thursday. Two offenders have been sentenced to community service and bound over to be forbidden to cause affrays for at least another two years.’
WLOV can confirm that one of the people arrested was our own Village Ways correspondent Major Flemington Glastonbury Fore-Shortener.
WLOV managed to catch up with Major Fore-Shortener, who issued the following statement: “My dear friends at We Love Our Village, I would like to clarify the events that occurred in the village on the morning of 1st May 2013, for which I Major Flemington Glastonbury Fore-Shortener have been charged with public order offences.
I would like to make it clear that I wish to refute these charges and will fight them with every syllable in my long and distinguished name.
I, together with other members of ‘The Gentlemen of the Forest’ were simply enjoying the May Day celebrations and do not agree with the Town Police’s version of events. I do not believe we caused an affray, it was at worst a kerfuffle, maybe even a brouhaha at a push a fracas or indeed a melee. But NOT an affray.
It’s sorry day when a former member of the armed services can’t sing classic hip-hop songs dressed as a hedge in the car park of a village public house, without fear of persecution and arrest.
It is a sad day indeed for village traditions and values.
I usually say ‘funny that’ a lot. But this is Not funny at all. Even though it was good fun at the time. Funny that.”
The Town Magistrates Court passed sentence on Thursday and it was decided after some discussion with the Village Council that for his community service Major Flemington Glastonbury Fore-Shortener should spend 60 hours, smoothing out some of the pointy bits of gravel that can be found on the pavement at the far side of the village.
At the Village May Day celebrations the Town Police apprehended a hedge which was heard to be singing obscene Hip Hop songs including Snoop Dogg’s “Who Am I (What’s My Name)?” Including the lyric’s:
Follow me, follow me, follow me, follow me, but don’t lose your grip
Nine-trizzay’s the yizzear for me to &*%$ up $%$&
So I ain’t holdin nuttin back
And mother&*%$ er I got five on the twenty sack
This is particularly ironic, as the perpetrator of this act is WLOV’s own Village Matters Correspondent Major Flemington Glastonbury Fore-Shortener, who is constantly reminding everyone of his long name.