Local Person Nearly Falling Over – the Plot Thickens

Following yesterday’s revelation that a local person (or has been pointed out) someone visiting our village from somewhere else nearly fell over on the far side of the High Street the day before yesterday (Saturday) events have continued apace in our village today.

And your village website has been there every (firmly planted) step of the way.

Since that event some people are now calling a near ‘collapse’, the shockwaves have reverberated through our little village so unused to such clumsiness or poor footing.

In events today:

Local Newsagent believes he may stood just inches from the ‘near faller’ as he served as someone fitting the vague description of the ill-balanced individual who entered his shop and paid for a Twix and some Chewing Gum but did not hand over the cash.  Instead the shopper left it on top of some newspapers on top of the counter as Mr Patel was up a ladder doing a quick stock check of magazine materials.  The mystery shopper even shouted out “£1.17 there it is - don’t bother to get down” in a cheery manner to the stricken newsagent.  “I think the fact he did not hand the money I was owed for the Twix and the chewing gum directly to me may have showed he was trying to hide a hand injury” Mr Patel said later as he was comforted by his family.

Questions are also being asked about how ex Councillor Marcus Phelchurch knew so much about the ‘incident’ even though he claims not to have witnessed the stumble, nor spoke to any witnesses directly. Instead he says that he picked up the gossip on ‘the village telegraph as these things generally are.’  Some people in the village are saying that this answer was delivered too confidently and too quickly and that Mr Phelchurch should have waited for things to settle down before his outburst.

So, is Mr Phelchurch being economic with the actualitie? Does he know more than he is letting on? There are reports, as yet unsubtstantiated by this website, that Mr Phelchurch has a vested interest in people falling over in the village. His nephew Ned Phelnphal runs a signage business in which Mr Phelchurch is the major shareholder and was likely to gain from any local campaign to warn people about the dangers of ‘Falling Over or Nearly Falling Over.’ Such signs would doubtless have used a large amount of ‘red’ and large containers containing ‘red’ were reported to have been seen being delivered to Phelhphal Signs late on Friday night.

And last thing tonight, on the coldest night of a year that started nearly three weeks ago, what can only be described as ‘sick individuals’ have been seen in the village spreading spadefuls of gravel on pavements and roads across the village.  This seems impossible – but many villagers have witnessed this occurrence and have emailed us to let us know. Grown men, many dressed in overalls have been seen throwing gravel or grit over the village’s walking surfaces – gravel or grit that closely resembles the gravel or grit that may have cut the hand of the villager who stumbled on Saturday. To many this is seen as a final insult to that brave soul who nearly lost his or her balance on our streets just two days ago. This seasoned local hack – who thought he had seen it all is simply dumbstruck as such insensitivity.

Finally, as someone who abhors imbalance in walking as much as imbalance in reporting – this wesbite editor is determined to keep on digging until the truth emerges.

If you have any information that you may think may lead to the identification of who the mystery stumble is or you know anything about people who may go around leaving things people may trip up over or worse still people who may trip people up on purpose – get in touch with this website. Your village website.

Sleep well. And don’t stub your toe on the bed leg nor roll out of bed by mistake.

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